September 2022 Communication Tip
Fear of Vulnerability
Over the years in this monthly column, I’ve shared many communication models, strategies, and even specific words to say. But, knowing isn’t the same as doing. This month, I want to focus on one of the barriers that may prevent us from actually using the communication skills we have.
Fear of Vulnerability.
Learning and practicing new communication skills means change, and change implies risk. One risk is the fear that in communicating, our weaknesses or heartfelt emotions will be revealed. Each of the three parts of communication (deep listening, talking clearly, and sitting in silence) require us to be vulnerable—to appear before another person (often in a very intimate setting), to be seen and heard, to face truths, to be discovered as we really are.
Some might dread getting questions back from patients that are hard, painful, or embarrassing to answer: Hard questions where the response points to the unknown; Painful questions where the answer confirms what we and the patient wish to avoid (e.g. the cancer is back); Embarrassing questions where the answer reveals our own mistakes.
Some might worry that questions will open an overwhelming pandora’s box of further questions and complex issues (for which we don’t have the knowledge or time to respond).
Some might worry that in deep communication, our mask will be removed, our secret ineptitude will be uncovered, and we will be revealed as a fraud (the imposter syndrome). As has been said (perhaps by Abraham Lincoln or Mark Twain), “It is better to remain silent at the risk of being thought a fool, than to talk and remove all doubt of it.”
Some might worry that communication (especially around difficult topics) will reveal feelings that we might prefer to keep private (e.g. fear, doubt, sadness, or sorrow).
We worry about evidence of our vulnerability leaking out, thinking we will lose power. Instead, vulnerabilities shared typically create power and build connection. Almost all patients want to know that their health care worker cares (it’s in the name!). They want us to be technically competent, for sure, but simultaneously a real, authentic person. We are not robots, apps, or protocols.
We are vulnerable because we are human. Expressing (or simply revealing vulnerability) creates not just visibility, but also integrity, wholeness… and that’s healing.
…that visibility which makes us most vulnerable is that which also is the source of our greatest strength.
Audre Lorde
All my best,
mike