March 2023 Communication Tip
Grief & Loss
When someone has died and you don’t know what to say… what do you say?
All of us face loss.
Grief is human. If you care or love, you will grieve. Grief is how loss heals.
Grief is human and not exclusively medical. But as people who work in a health care (both clinicians and admin team members alike), we are bathed in loss and the threat of loss. For some patients who die, we have been very close to them for a long time. For others, we may only know them as a person who was seen by one of our colleagues.
In today’s column, I am writing about “normal” grief (as opposed to the pathology of prolonged grief disorder, depression, or PTSD). I am writing about “normal” professional grief for health care workers dealing with the death of a patient (not about compounded/unprocessed professional grief, compassion fatigue, or burnout.)
While formal bereavement support services can be important for the bereaved, in the moment on the phone with a bereaved family member or in the halls of UCSF with a colleague grieving the death of a patient… what do you say?
For those of us who have experienced personal grief ourselves, we likely all have our own list of things that were said to us that helped… and things that didn’t help.
Online, there are tons of lists! (These lists from Kubler-Ross colleague and Grief Expert David Kessler are good examples: https://grief.com/10-best-worst-things-to-say-to-someone-in-grief/)
As uncomfortable and unsure as you may be, you don’t have to say very much and it doesn’t have to be perfect.
I encourage everyone to try saying (or not saying) things based on a few simple rules.
3 things to say:
-Be authentic, be yourself (say only what’s actually true for you)
-Say what you are feeling (e.g. sad, sorry, shocked, caring)
-Share something you remember about the deceased
And 3 things to avoid:
-Don’t try to fix it (someone important has been lost, but nothing is broken that needs to be or can be fixed). Don’t ask people not to feel what they are feeling.
-Don’t make it about you (let your experience inform your empathy and presence, but the experience of the bereaved is about them and their loved one).
-Don’t try to rationalize, explain, or judge
And sometimes, it is about what you do, not what you say:
-Simply being present or “just” listening
-A hug or touch, if appropriate
-Offer of specific support in the moment or the commitment to help in the future (if you really can)
If it turns out that you have learned something from the deceased that will make you better at your job (or as a person), letting the loved one know about that is a particularly powerful way to honor the deceased and integrate the loss.
All My Best,
And, to all the patients and families who have taught me, my gratitude.
Mike
P.S. You can find an archive of past communication tips on the MERI website: https://meri.ucsf.edu/meri-center-communication-tips.